I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
