apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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