I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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