I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
