Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
this beer tastes like vomit already
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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