they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
