i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
