i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize