6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
