Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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