walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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