totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I love having hate sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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