My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
