Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
