its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
