Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
