i love accidental penises.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
