why didn't you poke me back
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
