i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
