Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize