Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
