ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
