Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
