I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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