I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
