how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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