So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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