he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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