plz talk dirty to me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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