They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
