He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
