I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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