When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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