Your dad touched me again.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
