At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize