I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
