oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drunk is not a location!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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