I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
