the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
