Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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