you guys were way drunker than both of me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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