I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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