Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
