You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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