I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
