I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
