I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
