Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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