My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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