I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
