If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
