i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
