make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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