a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
