@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
