im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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