Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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