My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
