Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
