My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
