i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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