you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize