I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
