True but thats because hes a fetus.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
