I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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