I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
