Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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