I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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