Your dad touched me again.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize