people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
